Mr. Hands

Mr. Hands

Page 8 – Z2C: Page 4 Part 5

At fucking last. For anyone who isn’t from the Pacific Northwest region of the United States, in 2006 some guy in one of the outlying rural burbs of Seattle, some guy and a pack of his buddies had a Sex-With-Animals club. One guy, I believe the owner of the ranch where these parties took place, decided that it might be a good idea to stick an erect equestrian phallus into his rectum.

For the layman, he wanted to get fucked by a horse.

Now, I have nothing against kinky. And really, what’s more fun than a good clean ass? But bestiality seems kind of sick/wrong to me. I guess, with the devil’s lawyer next to me at El Diablo’s on Queen Anne Hill, as long as you aren’t hurting the animal….. While I have never actually measured a horse’s penis I would imagine that it is pretty big. So big, that in fact, no matter how much Elbow Grease you put on it, sticking one up your backside isn’t kinky. It isn’t gross. It isn’t really all that gay.

It’s just plain stupid.

The story ends with said farmer having his rectum torn asunder (I imagine the lower intestinal version of the Urekai blowing up the walls of the keep in The Two Towers) and dying.

There’s a movie out there about it. The guy is referred to as Mister Hands.

And that’s a lot like being a gay zombie. That is to say. If I were a gay zombie, my first instinct upon waking from the dead would be to get cleaned up, change my clothes and do my hair. This might lead other, less fastidious zombies, to believe that I died from something that was not so physically obvious.

Say… a perforated colon.

And thus you have the etymology of an ass exploding gag.

Strip 308 – z2c Mr Hands
Artist: Jon Anderson
Characters: Steve, Alberto, Jim, Karen, Marissa
Setting: Alberto’s room
Panel 1: Steve in attack mode
Steve: Perforate that asshole!
Panel 2: Alberto looking googlied eyed
Alberto: coooool!
Panel 3: Jim, Karen, Marissa and Steve discuss Mr Hands
Jim: Speaking of perforated assholes, has anyone seen Mister Hands?
Karen: Who’s Mister Hands?
Marissa: wait! Isn’t he the guy…?
Milo: Yeah! He’s the one that got screwed by a…
Panel 4: Mister Hands sneaking up on a horse
Over-Text: Meanwhile somewhere in Enumclaw, WA…
Mister Hands: here horsey horsey horsey!
‘he’s a guy, that humped a horse, then died…google it…’

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